The debate over whether parents should allow their children to fully self-determine their academic paths and careers is ongoing. In modern urban Vietnam, many parents adopt the phrase: “We must respect the child; it’s their right to choose.”
Frankly, every time I hear the phrase, “Let them decide for themselves,” I want to strangle the parent who said it. This sounds democratic and modern, but in my view, it is utterly irresponsible.
The consequences of uninformed freedom
The concept of “letting them decide” should actually be “making an informed decision.” You cannot make a good decision without adequate information and analytical support.
I have witnessed the negative consequences of “hands-off” parenting repeatedly:
- The peripatetic student: A niece from a wealthy, “modern” family was given the freedom to choose her university major. She started in Computer Science in the U.S., switched to Hospitality in Switzerland after two years, and then abandoned that to study Psychology in the U.K. In three years, she studied in three countries, and I question if her choices were ever truly final.
- The unemployable graduate: Another niece, passionate about design, excelled at a prestigious American university. She graduated with high honors but found it nearly impossible to find work in the U.S. and returned to Vietnam for an average salary. Had her parents consulted statistics, they would have known that design and communications majors rank among the lowest in job placement potential, and they could have advised her to double-major for diversification.
- The wasted potential: A friend’s son, brilliant, eloquent, physically imposing, and fluent in English, had all the makings of success abroad. His parents initially agreed to seek him a scholarship. But after reading a single news clip about a U.S. shooting, the grandfather reversed the decision, declaring, “He won’t go to America; studying in Vietnam is fine.” I backed off, respecting their stated policy: “It’s his right.” The young man graduated from a top Vietnamese university into a saturated job market. I look at him and regretfully think: “If this boy had gone to the U.S., he would have excelled.”
The rules of informed decision-making
The key lesson from success stories—like my niece who, against her family’s initial wishes, pushed hard for a full scholarship in the U.S. and is now a manager at a top global financial corporation—is that firm resolve based on research is paramount, not mere passive preference. She succeeded because she made an informed decision.
The goal is not to control your child, but to empower them by teaching them to navigate the world.
- Eliminate whim and fantasy: Often, a young man “chooses” Australia because his girlfriend is moving there. A young woman “chooses” media because she idolizes a TV star. They don’t check statistics. They don’t realize the dating relationship will likely end in three months, and that only a handful of people ever succeed in the media.
- Seek expert counsel: When I was young, my parents never let me decide on a major life path without first finding the most qualified experts they knew.
- Interested in literature? My father arranged a meeting with a famous writer who explained the financial hardships of life.
- Interested in international trade? They arranged a meeting with successful professionals who had lived abroad.
- Interested in a top high school? They found a famous tutor to assess my academic readiness.
My parents never let me make a decision without consulting people smarter than they were in that specific field.
The conclusion: Responsibility over democracy
We, as parents, are sometimes over 40 and still questioning our own career paths. How can we expect a 15- to 17-year-old—who lacks life experience, has never stumbled, and lacks access to expert analysis—to make an optimal life decision?
Successful children almost universally have parents who were active partners in their early stages.
My conclusion is firm: Never let your children make life-altering decisions without giving them sufficient information, sharing diverse experiences, and providing counsel from genuine experts. Parents who know little about their child’s chosen field but simply shrug and say, “It’s their decision,” are not being democratic or modern; they are being irresponsible, and they are harming their children.
Postscript (Advertisement)
The successful niece mentioned above, having “achieved fame and fortune,” has since joined several professors and university presidents from the U.S. to manage Ivy Global School, a fully accredited U.S. online high school program available at a disruptive cost.
