I often encounter this topic whenever I hear friends discussing career orientation or choosing a university for their children. In the past, many parents were deeply involved in their children’s decision-making process, even making the choices for them.
Nowadays, quite a lot of—if not most—urban parents tend to think: “We must respect and let the child decide for themselves. It’s their right.”
To be honest, every time I hear the phrase “Let them decide for themselves,” my blood boils, and I just want to choke the life out of any parents who say that.
At first glance, it sounds democratic, modern, and respectful of the child.
However, in my opinion, that is an extremely “irresponsible” statement.
I have a niece. Her parents are well-off and also “modern,” so they respected her decision in choosing a university. So in her first year, she studied computer science in the US. At the end of her second year, she felt that the career prospects for this field in the US didn’t seem very bright, so she decided to move to Switzerland to switch to hospitality management. Her parents, loving her, agreed. After one year, she got bored with this field and concluded that she should go to the UK to study psychology.
Thus, in three years, she went to three countries, and I don’t know if this is her final decision yet.
Another niece of mine, out of her passion for design, was determined to study this major at a famous school in the US. She graduated with honors, but finding a job in the US wasn’t easy, so she returned to Vietnam to work for a very ordinary salary. If her parents had read the statistics, they would have known that design and communications are ranked among the fields with the lowest employment potential. And had they known that, they could have advised her to study another major to diversify her skills. Her father always regrets this foolish decision.
My friend’s son was exceptionally good in high school, had excellent English skills, communicated very well, and was physically tall, strong, and healthy.
I begged his parents to let me apply for a scholarship for him to go to the US because, with his personality, he would definitely succeed. His parents and grandfather were gradually leaning towards agreeing. But one day, after reading a news snippet about a shooting in the US, the boy came home and concluded: “I won’t go to the US; studying in Vietnam is fine too.” I didn’t beg anymore, because according to his parents and him, “it’s his right.”
The young man graduated from a prestigious university in Vietnam and went to work for an average salary because there were plenty of talented people coming out of that place. He was not the only one. Every time I see him, I click my tongue in regret: “If this guy had gone to the US, he would have done amazingly!”
However, there is another story. 15 years ago, my niece was studying at Vietnam National University, Hanoi (VNU), but had nurtured a dream of going to the US since childhood. Having the idea of Western education instilled in her mind by her uncle, she was determined to study abroad. She completed her third year of university in Vietnam but was still passionate about going to the US. She applied for scholarships for two consecutive years but couldn’t get enough funding. By the third year, just as she was entering her fourth year, she received a full scholarship to study at a prestigious university in the US. She packed her bags and left.
Her parents and the whole family were worried and fed up, saying: “Forget it, just study in Vietnam. VNU isn’t some trivial place that you look down on.” She said: “It’s precisely because I study at VNU that I realize how much I need to go abroad. I’ve researched thoroughly; I must go to the US. Only the US can change my life.” And off she went.
Now, my niece has fulfilled her American dream and works as a manager for a huge global financial corporation. She said: “Back then, if I had chosen the safe path, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
What the West often advocates regarding letting children decide for themselves must be “making an informed decision.” It is not simply “making a self-decision.” How can there be a good decision without being provided with full information?
I always encourage my children to make their own decisions on what to do and what to study. However, my point of view is that we must provide enough information and teach them to analyze it with us to reach a decision, rather than relying on emotions and fleeting preferences.
All important decisions need to be carefully considered, rather than leaving the child to their own devices just because the parents are half-baked “democratic or modern.”
It is best to consult real experts rather than letting the young boys and girls decide everything on their own.
Many times, a young guy wants to go to Australia simply because his girlfriend is about to move there. Meanwhile, a young girl wants to study communications because she idolizes Hari Won.
However, the young guy isn’t informed that studying in Australia might not offer a competitive advantage in terms of reputation and quality, and there is a high chance that his girlfriend will dump him after three months to date someone else.
As for the young girl, she doesn’t check the statistics showing that out of thousands of MCs, only a few live comfortably off the profession. Becoming an MC like Lai Van Sam or Hari Won is harder than counting the stars in the sky.
When I was young, my parents always took me to meet the best people they could find whenever I was about to make an important decision.
Want to study literature? My old man immediately arranged a meeting with a close friend who was a famous writer. And I concluded that a writer’s life is very hungry.
Interested in law and international trade? My parents took me to visit a few uncles and aunts in the field who had lived abroad, and I found this profession very appealing.
Wanted to attend Amsterdam High School? My dad immediately introduced me to a famous test prep teacher to check if I had enough capability to study alongside the kids at Ams (and the teacher said: “This boy is good at literature. For math, he needs extra practice”).
My parents never let me decide on my own without consulting people who were better than them in that field.
Looking at statistics, many successful people often have a tradition of “like father, like son” (passing down the trade). It’s not because they naturally have the genes.
It’s because they were trained and had sufficient information about their field from a very young age. That’s why doctors often like their children to become doctors, bakers like to pass their trade down to their children, and so on.
For us, even after turning 40, we often don’t even know what we like or want.
How can we let a 15-to-17-year-old child decide anything if they haven’t experienced, fallen, or been informed and analyzed about career choices and life?
Therefore, my conclusion is: never let young boys and girls decide on their own without providing them with sufficient information, sharing experiences, and seeking advice from capable people (with different perspectives).
And especially, parents who do not know much about the field their child is studying or wants to pursue should not leave it entirely up to the child to decide. You will harm them.
That is not being “democratic or modern.” That is being irresponsible!
Most successful children have parents standing by their side from the very beginning.
P.S.: As usual, the post always comes with an advertisement. Our niece mentioned above, after achieving success and fame, decided to join professors and presidents of several US universities to run Ivy Global School—an online high school with an accredited US curriculum at a breakthrough cost.
